Vines

I run around the city.
I don't "need" anyone,
I flirt with the bad guy at work
but that's just in good fun.
And when he's flirtin' back with me
our hands may barely touch
And then I'm in another place
that cuts me up so much

and there's your hand
holdin mine
and I can't breathe in deep
your kiss there on my palm
makes me will the car to stop
just to throw my arms around you

And then I remember

I walk back home at midnight
I message a good friend
Tell him, if it weren't for distance, we might be more
And before he even writes back
I'm thinking of that day
And wishin I could tell you
that there's nothing in the way

And we drive for miles,
just talking about music
and nothing big between us
but our bodies and the sky
and if I think real hard
and let it get real quiet
...
...
I can hear your laugh
and my chest breaks in half

Because I remember

Every night I pray that things will change,
and solvance come to light
with you and I right there
and all the moments turn from black to white
and playing songs
and chasing dreams
and laughing at the stupid things
and never ever fighting you
and friends for miles
our families too
windows
doors
a bike
a car
a small garage
a christmas star
and birthday candles on a plate
and all the food we ever ate
and time collides and spins around



I have to shove it in the ground
it's grown a vine around my heart
and just before the blossoms start
I cut them off
CUT THEM OFF!
They're not allowed
they're dangerous

is it better to bleed a little bit by bit
than uproot the organ after it
has infiltrated all that's grown

tomorrow it will start again
I'll handle it a little better then
and better after that I'm sure
and more and more and more and more
til finally I will not bleed,
but now, because I feel the need...

"I miss you,
I love you,
I want it all back,
I know I know
be well"

Dear Husband...

I was watching The Prince of Egypt today. I love that movie. And two scenes touched my heart so much. First, Moses' vision of the burning bush. I love the rendition in this movie because the way God is portrayed is that of a being of power and authority, and then He finishes His message to Moses with great love and it looks like Moses is being engulfed in that love all around him. It's a visual component in the movie that represents the way it feels to have the Lord's arms around you. If you've never had that feeling I'm telling you, it's the best feeling you will ever feel. It's like a hug from your mom after not seeing her for months and months that starts in your heart and radiates through every part of you. And all you feel is joy. Some people cry when they feel it (usually girls and always me). And then you know it's real. You know God is REAL, because you feel it. If you seek that feeling, it'll come, I promise. You have to believe it will, and then it will.

The Second scene that got me is right after the first. Moses runs to his wife, full of excitement for the things he's just experienced. He tells her everything that's just happened. And it made me think of what that means to have a spouse, a life partner, a best friend... who knows. Who has felt those things, who wants to know and seeks to know God. That being of light. The source of goodness. The source of Joy. The portrayal of Moses' excitement reminded me of something I've always wanted to do but wondered if I would look back at it and think it was dumb. But I feel really inspired about it so I'm gonna go ahead.

Dear Husband,

Wherever you are today I hope you're well. If I have met you- what are you waiting for? If not, I'm looking forward to it. I want to have a good relationship, a real one where we talk about everything and work to find the happy mediums without compromising what we know is right. I want to give you all of myself, and feel like you're giving me all of yourself back. I want to be part of your relationship with God, and I want you to be part of mine. I want to have children with you and parent them equally. I want each of us to be individuals, and to find our ways in the world, and still stand side by side. I want to know that you are mine forever, and that no matter what happens we'll be together for eternity. I want to kneel accross the temple altar with you and make our great promise. I want to laugh with you, a lot, more than I do now. I want to know your family and have you know mine. I want to grow old with you and make fun of each others frailties, keeping in mind that we won't always have broken bodies. I want to pray with you morning and night, study the Lord's word with you, stand with you as a Father and Mother in Israel, teaching our children the beautiful things that have made our lives so happy. I love you. I miss you. I know you're special. Not too soon, not too late, it'll be just right. It won't be perfect, but I know we're gonna have a lot of fun. Until then, be wise, walk your path with strength, diligence, humility and a willingness to grow. Everything you need to know will be given to you little by little. Be patient with yourself. See you soon!

Love,
your wife,
Val

Christmas Cabaret... I love the Church

Last night was my first performance in NEW YORK!! AH! Crazy. We had our Christmas Cabaret, it went really well and was really fun. I learned a lot of things from it. 1st that organization is SO IMPORTANT when you're making your own show (or when you're doing anything for that matter). 2nd, to trust myself onstage - I am entertaining... ha. That's sounds funny. 3rd- Meet everyone you can and have a great time doing it. 4th- AND MOST IMPORTANTLY- MARKETING IS KEY! We really didn't even fill up half the house... WHAT?! We had an awesome show and no one came. Why?? Here are some reasons I think we didn't fill it up and ways that we could avoid that problem in the future.

1- More than facebook. - taylor your marketing materials to a specific demographic and post them where that demographic will see them.

2- Images and marketing materials - rather than functioning on a "come because you're my friend" basis, focus marketing materials in a way that those who see those materials will A) want to be your friend and B) want to see your show regardless of whether they're your friend or not.

3-Lower cover charge cutting Production costs - We paid a director who did an AMAZING job. But if we could find someone with a lower rate, or direct it ourselves the cover charge would be more affordable for our audience, ensuring higher attendance. We could also try to find a cheaper venue that didn't require a drink minimum or 21 and up restrictions (rough in this town but maybe with some research...).

4- It was a Wednesday at 7. Nice that it was early, but not very many people could come and a weekend is better.

5- Confidence and Enthusiasm for a) your venue and b) YOUR SHOW!!! There's a big difference between "hey I'm in a show it's like got me in it. It's not a big deal. It's like a lot of money to get in and you have to buy drinks. Ya I know, that's ok if you can't make it. I'll be in other things later," and "Hey guess what I'm in a show. I'm really excited for it, I've totally enjoyed putting it together. It's a $15 cover and a 2 drink minimum at an amazing venue called the AWESOME. I'd really love it if you would come. Here's a postcard with a link to our "sneak peak". So-and-so said they were going.... blah blah blah... amazing....fun...woo hoo!" If you're not excited about it why should they be?

6- GO TO OTHER PEOPLE'S SHOWS!! - This one could be the biggest of all. This is the one that I require the most improvement in, which is exciting because that means I'll be going to see more awesomeness. When you support someone and invest in their work, they are much more likely to invest in yours.

I've been a little "rusty" on the spiritual side lately. The last few days I've been running around and not really had a second to sit and read my scriptures the way I like to and not praying as often as I usually do. But today I got up and read and prayed. I opened up my conference Ensign Magezine and as soon as I started reading I immediately felt like a large weight was lifted off my chest, and like a light had been lit in my heart. And I recognized that feeling of peace and love and light and I thought "I LOVE the Church. I LOVE the gospel. I wouldn't give up feeling this feeling daily for ANYTHING." It feels so good!!

Then as I went running with my roommate Kristy, I felt it again, and I recognized the Spirit that she carries with her. I've been spending the last couple days with amazing people, people I love who have helped me through so many tough times, but the environments we were in didn't have the spirit, and some of the people we were around didn't have the Spirit. But Kristy has the spirit. Ideas of ways I could change for the better started to come more clearly to my head. I also had a lot more belief in myself that I could accomplish them. It also felt great to run, I actually think exercise and care for our bodies does amazing things for our Spirits and our Spirituality, not to mention how beautiful nature does the same and we were running in the one and only Central Park.

I thought again as we were running "I love being with people who have the Spirit, who have light. I LOVE the Church, I LOVE the Gospel. I freakin' LOVE being a Mormon!!! I love the feeling I feel when I read Conference, or the Book of Mormon, Or the Bible, or the Doctrine and Covenants. Or when I pray and get an answer. Or seeing my family do the same. EVERYONE SHOULD DO IT. EVERYONE I KNOW DESERVES TO BE THIS HAPPY."

So to everybody out there- I recommend highly the following:

Praying everyday about lots of things,
Reading the Scriptures and finding out for yourself if they're true by praying about them: the Bible, The BOOK OF MORMON (I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!), the Doctrine and Covenants.
Exercising regularly and eating good things :)
Sharing what you love with other people
Getting to knew Jesus yourself, and not just what everyone else says about Him.

I PROMISE, doing just one of these in addition to whatever else you do will boost your happiness. ESPECIALLY if you BELIEVE it will. Lots of love and all the BEST life has to offer
-Val

Louisa May Alcott

Today was lovely.
I went to Boston last night for an audition at speakeasy for 'The Drowsy Chaperone'. Hopefully I'll get it and I can be back in that beautiful city for a few months. I love it there. I got all happy inside on the bus ride in. The audition was good. I felt like I rocked it to the best of my ability. Next time I want to be more prepared with the sides that I'm sent in advance. It was kind of a last minute thing that I had work off to go so, I didn't invest time in the sides early. But it was fun. There were a lot of BOCO kids there. It was funny to see them all. Show biz is competitive, but everyone loves each other all the same. It was good to see Paul. I was surprised at how grateful he was that I was there. When I first met him it was me being late to class.... :S not a great first impression. But we've been on good terms since then. I wonder if he remembers that.

Anywho, the audition was loads of fun and I felt good about it. It also rocked to see the one and only Nick Connell. I need to call him to help me put together a stellar NY Christmas tree- trimming party, similar to last year when I spent a long while making a really killer star out of pretzels and gold ribbon. GOOD TIMES.

Then I walked through Boston. I could have taken the train. But I knew exactly where I was and how to get where I was going and I wanted to see everything in between. I walked down Huntington St., through the Christian Science Center (if I were more thorough in my Blogging I would provide links but I'm sure you'll get over it, and you can always google what you care about :) ). I walked past the Bookstore and I have to say I nearly teared up. I love that place. Good friends, such good friends from that store (Shannon says she's coming to town this weekend!!!). They also had up a KILLA Christmas display that I definitely will be texting Frank about tomorrow morning. So impressed. Past the school, the fens, down the ramp to Com Ave, up a couple streets and into Katie's new home (she doesn't live with me anymore...crazy). We stayed up til 3. Talking. About everything. We haven't really REALLY talked in several months. I love her

Then when we woke up today she made pumpkin pancakes with cinnamon drops in them (like a chocolate chip but cinnamon = amazing). We took the train to Harvard square and puttered around Anthropology while we waited for Linsey to pick us up. I LOVE anthropology. It makes me want to be crafty... and a mom. I want to be crafty with my kids, like have a room for it, with several drawers of glitter and buttons. We each bought this little book called "I like you" it's so cute. If I were more patient I would type out all the words and send it to everyone who reads this blog as a special Thanksgiving gift. At first I thought I would save this little treasure for my husband and give it to him and some special point in our relationship, but then I decided that the words apply to any real, good relationship and it would be sad to limit all the goodness it has to offer to one relationship that hasn't begun (as far as I know :S).

Linsey got there and we drove to Louisa May Alcott's house. It was so special. She wrote Little Women. In that house. I was so touched by everything. We got up to May's room (Amy in the book). And her wallpaper was blue, that was her favorite color. She had painted on the walls. And there was a bright strip of blue the color of painter's tape around the ceiling. And what touched me about this strip of blue was that her sisters had painted it in her room as a birthday present one year because that was her favorite color. I started crying. I want that. I want to give someone a gift that's personal. Something that they could only get from someone that really knows them. There were a lot of things about the house that made me really happy. The simplicity of their lives then. I felt like my life was a big mess of things compared to theirs. It also made me miss my family like mad. I'm so excited to see them. There is no greater feeling than having all of us under one roof. That is heaven. I'm so glad I know that families can be together forever, SO GLAD. So Grateful ;).

I bought a souvenir from the gift shop. I copy of Mr. Alcott's Schedule for the girls. It's so excellent:

Morning
5- Rise, Bathe, Dress
6- Breakfast
7-Housewifery Recreations (chores) in care of Miss Foord

Forenoon
9-Studies with Mr. Lane
10 1/2 - Recreations
11- Studies with Father

Noon
12- Dinner
(apparently the term 'lunch' is a bit more modern than I thought)

Afternoon
1- Rest (nice eh?)
2- Sewing, Conversation and Reading with Miss Foord and Mother
4- Errands (chores) and Recreations

Evening
6- Supper, Recreation, Conversation, Music
8-
8 1/2- Bed

Virtues-
Vigilence, Punctuality, Perseverance, Prompt, Cheerful, Unquestioning, Obedience, Government of Temper, Hands, and Tongue, Gentle Manners, Motions, and Words. Work, Studies and Play distinct. No interchange of Labors (can't switch chores with someone)


Doesn't that sound quaint! I'm hanging it on my wall to remind myself of this day, the things that matter, and not to get too wrapped up in making a schedule that's so crazy.

We drove back and Kates and I stopped in the BU bookstore real quick to look at a book she's interested in. And consequently I found a book I'm interested in... really interested in actually. It's called 'A Year of Living the Bible as Literally as Possible'. It sounds fascinating and a couple of the pages I read WERE just that. I can't afford to buy it right now so Mom, here's a shameless Christmas Gift plug!

I slept on the bus ride back to NY, but I must say in the intermittent moments when I was awake, all I could think about were all the nice things that I wanted to do for people. I want to send everyone a Christmas Card that I made from scratch that has at least 3 inside jokes in it, forgive everyone, call and catch up... stuff like that :). I also have decided that this year I'm decorating my apartment for Christmas. I've never even had a baby tree because I always went home for a month during Christmas break. But this year I'll be spending a lot of Holiday Time in New York, so it's only right that I have a tree and some lights. I'd love a little nativity as well :). Maybe I'll make one out of something since I'm feeling crafty.

Today was amazing. God is so good. I'm so happy. Life is good. and yes, there are things I want that I don't have now, and that I'll never be able to have. But He keeps promising me that if I keep working hard, and doing my best I'll have all I need and even better :). And He hasn't lied to me yet so... I look forward to life. I also love all of you who commented on my last post. I could be cynical, but I won't so just... thanks for loving me and letting me know that you do.

xo
Val

a letter

No one reads this anymore, so I figure I can write whatever I want without worrying about being liked (yes, it's true, I worry about being liked = dumb)

a letter to a friend on a cruise line:
Hello??
Are you alive?
This whole blog thing isn't really your forte is it?

But seriously how are you? Adjusting to paradise? Lots of rehearsals? Free food? Did you get a bike? Are you making friends? Are you glad you bought those shoes? Do you miss your family? I've been emailing Degan...he's awesome. I also got a lovely post from David on Facebook that I'm not sure how to respond to.... (awkward smile).
I had an audition this week too. Broadway version of Catch Me If You Can- I also had a callback, that I rocked, but I haven't heard anything (bad sign? it's been over 24 hours...no se). Work is good. My room is messy. I've been getting to some dance classes too. So what's the show like that you're doing? Are you taking lots of pictures :):):). Your key board says hi. I'm gonna name it... is it male or female? I'm thinking male- thoughts? Or you could go half and half and call it Taylor... or something. You'll also be happy to know that I have made a firm commitment to never treat your keyboard like a shelf (except for sheet music that I'm playing right then). I'm very proud of this decision and my ability so far to keep to that commitment. It's a clear sign to me that I will be able excel in other areas of my life that I'd like to be more self disciplined about (namely, eating healthy, regularly working out, brushing and flossing my teeth.....I'm realizing there are more than seems reasonable so I'll stop naming them now). I saw that you posted something on facebook and I MISSED YOU BY NINE MINUTES ... so disappointed in my own tardiness. I got a text from Marty too. I haven't responded yet but I think we're gonna get together for some laughs and hopefully some awesome tunes. Don't forget to send me all that stuff (charts... I swear there was something else I'll think of it and bombard your inbox :D ). I haven't talked to Javier for AGES and I'm still hoping to get his help on a website. But what I've been thinking about a lot lately is that when I expect to do something with someone elses help, it doesn't happen. So...I may just buy a book on design and coding and do it myself. Not that other people aren't willing to help I'm just not willing to bug them about it enough to make it happen. I just don't like bugging people. I'm installing Gchat video. (I remembered!! I need Jesse's number so I can give him his book). I've been writing some too. I like it. I need to create things. O! Paul Daighneault also invited me to audition for something, so I may be in Boston next week. I'm working a double on Thanksgiving, which is slightly lame but good that I'll be able to pay rent for December. The ward out here is nice........I don't really know anyone yet. I don't see them except for that one day and then an hour at FHE, which I love, but it's not enough time to really meet people. My bishop is so awesome though. I had a meeting with him just to chat...he's better for me than my last bishop. My last bishop was an awesome amazing man and we are very dear friends still, but he did NOT understand me, and I probably didn't understand him very well either, even though I secretly think I've got him figured out. I also decided to get a new counselor, a mormon this time...not that that matters really, but it would be nice if I could talk to someone about my relationship with God and whether or not I'm being obsessive.........you talked to me a lot about that .... do you think I'm obsessive in that area. My guess is that you'd say yes... but I don't know. Degan and I discussed your absence, I loved what he said:

I miss Tim, he is a swell guy to have around. I guess
it really was quite selfish of us, as land dwellers, to reserve him
for ourselves on just 29% of the world's surface area. Think of how
the other 71% must feel!

I'm hoping he'll come see me in my cabaret on Dec. 8th (it's gonna be awesome!) so we can take a whole day and just talk (insert fall montage of the sun rising and setting behind a picturesque tableau of Degan and I on a park bench...philosophizing). I'm sure a whole day will not be available (unless I request it off ... hm) but it would be nice. I think that's what heaven will be like for me (or at least part of it), just endless conversations with someone who's amazing to talk to. I'm trying to think if there's anything else to write you or ask you. .... hm... nope. Not for now.

unedited

I reach my arms high
my crinkled limbs filling with energy and being stretched to full capacity
like a spider's leg zoomed in, slow motion

I drop my torso to the floor
the weight of my head
my hamstrings wince as I renew the flexibility that lives
in a body that once stretched beyond its current capacity

I look forward in the mirror
I look sideways in the mirror
there's is more of me than there once was
and I'm not upset
I'm beautiful
I accept the process ahead

the speed increases
I feel that familiar warmth
the warmth of a beat
of a verse
a chorus
a verse
a chorus
an arm to swing
a beat to hit
a line to stretch
the raspy feeling in my esophagus that reminds me of the joy it is to breathe quickly
and to sweat out the past and clean your insides

And always back to the music
music
music
music
music!!!!
HOW CAN I FEEL SO MUCH!?

It's amazing.
What is it?
Why is it that way?
Why do our hearts beat together when we hear a note?
Why do I love the dissonance of a suspension SO MUCH!
Or why is vocal rest so hard?
What makes me sing?
I know I always come back to God, but it's the biggest thing I can use to relate the physical, spiritual experience of music to.
It just testifies to me that we are MORE than we think
I am more than I think
and I touch that, when I listen,
when I sing
when I play
when I move
when I CREATE!!

Is that it?
Is it the creation?
Is that why art means so much to us?
To see the work of our own hands.

We are creators.
I am a creator.
I make things
I light fires,
I inspire tears,
feelings,
numbness,
I thank all the powers
and light
and energy
and universal love
goodness
pleasure

for that.

For the will
the inspiration
the tools
the ability
and the opportunity
to create.

I'm writing a song about you that I started a long time ago. Someday I'll be able to sing it with out crying :)

Gratitude ...

I'm listening to the Gratitude Talk by President Monson from the October Conference 2010. And i think about the feelings I have of the Savior, or the feelings I've had in the past. I wonder about one feeling, the feeling of His POWER- His power to teach. Sometimes when i read of His sermons to his disciples He sounds a little harsh, not so gentle as He is often described. And I wonder about the kindness in His behavior. HOW kind? HOW loving? Who can I compare Him to in my daily life??

And then experiences are brought to my mind, and I am reminded through these thoughts: Remember the healing of your heart. Remember his presence at your bedside. How He wiped your tears. how He held you and lifted the otherwise inescapable weight from your chest. The PEOPLE He's sent to you, the opportunities you've been given. THAT IS HIM, THAT IS HIS DOING.

And so I've learned, that through the scriptures we learn of and about Him, but it is in our hearts and our interaction with Him that we truly know Him. Just as any friend we meet in this life. We may know of them and about them by reading their facebook status, or hearing about their life from a mutual friend. But we truly come to know them when we spend time with them and feel of each other's love :). I'm so grateful to have had the experiences in my life that allow me to truly KNOW who He is, and the joy that I can feel as a result of that knowledge.

blah blah blah
Do you ever have those nights where you had a great day and then you get home and there's no one there so you sit around being sort of depressed? This is probably a terrible way to start this post because I actually had, in fact, a wonderful day.

I woke up sort of late and went to institute at Lincoln Center. I love that area because the streets are really large making maximum sunlight a possibility, and then Lincoln Center has a big open area in front of it that is absolutely beautiful. Institute was nice. There are lots of moms that come to that one and bring their little babies and they always say "sorry she wrote on you...sorry she was noisy... sorry she ripped a page out of your journal..." but honestly I don't even care. I am so baby happy right now, I just loved having them do all those things to me. They could have eaten my sweater and I would have giggled. We had twin girls in there today. They were so great. I feel like calling kids cute isn't accurate. I find them to be more along the lines of fascinating. They're like little animals that run around and have no inhibitions at all.

So that was great

Then I didn't have anything I had to be to until three (I kept telling myself I should workout in the time- something I have mixed feelings about right now, or do laundry- that I hate doing. I don't like using the word hate but I have a really hard time getting this one to happen...it's and hour and a half of nothing at a laundramat= not my favorite, especially since I've been having some trouble finding a book that I really like that's not a self help guru book- suggestions please??). So I went in Barnes and Noble and I instantly felt much better about life. I just love the way it feels in there. I bought an s.h.g. book called 'A New Earth' be Eckhart Tolle. Supposed to be AMAZING (it's on Opera's book club list) and my friend Matt has been suggesting it to me. Then I wandered around the store for a while. That was nice.

Then I took the train home, and did something in my room....not clean it THAT'S for sure. I took a really long shower....so nice. I needed it. Then went to babysit. This was the best. I had so much fun with these kids. At first Delia was sort of trying to show off and being pouty- she's about in first grade, and I think sometimes at that age, little girls will be dramatic for new people because they somehow think it will be fun. It's not fun but I remember being like that a little bit (sometimes I still do it, what can I say, humans are weird). But then we went to the park for a little bit before Delia had class. We didn't get to play for very long but it's cool. Then we went back to the school for a class she's taking with her mom. So after dropping her off Benny and I went to play at the park some more.

I had all kinds of thoughts about what kind of mom I want to be. I was playing with the kids on the playground, and though I'm sure there will be many days when I'm a mom that I will be too tired or too pre-occupied to do that, I HOPE I will be active and play with them at lease most if not ALL the time. I played with Benny and when I'd first met him earlier his mom had said he was shy. So I told him we should try to make friends (which was a slightly selfish thought because I wanted him to have someone to play with so I could sit and read the book I'd gotten earlier- o how I contradict myself). So we walked around saying "Hi I'm Ben what's your name?" and then offering our hands for a high five. This went over pretty well, aside from the fact that he didn't really like to say any of that, just put his hand out. But for someone who's "shy" I think that was pretty darn amazing so I told him I thought so.

After attempting to become friends with all the other kids on the play ground I stood and watched Benny go down the twirly bars about a thousand times. And you know what I really really liked it. I had a great time. We talked a lot about random things I don't even remember what. But I love hanging out with kids because you always have something to offer, and something to give because there's just SO MUCH in the world that they don't know yet. And of course there's a lot in the world that adults don't know, but they still know a lot more than a 3 year old.

Then we went to pick up Delia from her class. She had some homework to do so I got to help her. It was great. I really enjoyed it. She was really good then too. No pouting, no being obstinate. She did her homework and I helped her. Then we played a game. And Benny wanted to play so we were on a team :) and he sat on my lap. Then when their mom came Delia invited me to dinner with them. We went to a corner pizza place and grabbed a slice. It's amazing how little kids hold on to details. Before actually going, Delia described this pizza place to me and what I was picturing was chucky-cheese in Cinderella's palace. She said there was a guy there who did magic and that they always went when their mom had class. And there WAS a guy there who did an invisible ball trick with a paper bag, but other than that it was just a corner pizza place. It just goes to show that life's what you make it (thank you Miley Cyrus).

Then I walked home through Central park...and it was beautiful. The air smells like fall now, and I walked through the Soccer fields and looked at the moon and the sky and I felt for a minute like I was back at Viewmont, in the field just watching the sky disappear. It was such a big open space. I loved it. And it's funny, sometimes I have those moments and I feel so close to God, like He's right there. And sometimes it feels like it's just beautiful all by itself.

Then I got to stop by the Chess tables and play a game. I lost again, but it took longer than the last time, and the guy I played said I was good for starting in August :). Then I ran home (partly because there was this guy who I guiltily gave my number to the other day that I am NOT INTERESTED IN AT ALL---- why??? Why do I do that to myself?????----who was walking up. It's really annoying cuz he lives in my neighborhood so I might have to avoid him for a little while before he gets it...:S I hope not). And then as soon as I got inside I knew things were going to be bad because no one was home and I was really hoping that people would be. I get sad when there's no one home. It's not so much that I always want to hang out and be with people, but I don't like being in a house by myself. I just don't. It feels weird and I can't function very well. I don't know why...

So then I was sad for a little while and started reading blogs...I miss utah. Argh...no more grass is greener crap. I want to LOVE my life and be happy... well...

I did make a decision I'm excited about. For my birthday I'm going to have a dinner and cook for people I love. I want to make my Aunt's special pumpkin soup and some carrot cake :) Doesn't that sound awesome!
Well I'm going to go read some scriptures and pray and stuff. I know that's what I need to do and this is just a form of putting it off right now...bye!

Allow

I feel hard, inside
Scabbed and mean
I don't like the person I must be right now
I am impatient for my potential!!!

In every healing process,
there is a wall, a defense.
blood gathers at the vulnerable area
makes contact with outside elements,
the humidity, the softness leaves,
pulled out by the surrounding air,
And what's left is a wall
temporary
necessary
to protect the tender vulnerability beneath.
To destroy the wall only prolongs the process
and increases likelihood of scarring
you must not touch it
let it do its job

We talk so much of breaking walls,
So our hearts can be open to the ones we love.
but did you know a heart
between each beat that sends that vital fluid to each practical functioning organ,
it takes one beat for itself

A tree,
in times of turbulence
slows its growth
focusing on what is essential

the desire to be whole
is fulfilled in the living water
the flowing blood
the broken flesh

He is my wall
my only defense
in times of weakness I think to pick with an ax
to destroy the wall
to reach the past

the past is gone- I would be disappointed
He knows the outside better than I:
the vulnerable and tender center

And when I am ready
my wall will fall
no force required
just as a tree shedding bark
or a scab at the right moment
or a loose tooth when it's ready
or a baby breaking water
or a heart after a self sustaining beat

Consider the Lilies,
They toil not,
Neither do they spin



And neither shall I

more productive than I thought....

Woke up late, my room gets NO sunlight, especially since I leave the blinds closed. Said a prayer in bed to get me past the dangerous dream- a dream of things I dare not hope for, being based on the choices of one other person, and God....and thus none of my business- and I was answered....Thank you! Talk to Kristy (roommate) call from Matt (friend from school) .

RUN! walk, stretch RUN! walk, stop,

Gaze at the reservoir, ponder on the power of pondering by a pond.

RUN

home, shower, cancel plans with Matt,
facebook,

clean the room...ai yai yai! (is that how you spell that?)
Before






After



nexr: cry for a little bit....heartbreak is so random, but it's timing is perfect.
more prayer, more answers :)

text from Uncle Tim :) "you're in town!? Do you eat?"

Look at the schedule...
pack
go
train.....argh.. I'm going to be late, but it's cool cuz it's for fun :)

50th street- call Uncle Tim...where are you? You can see me?? Walk which way? .... creepy...O THERE YOU ARE!!
Hugs, chats,

DINNER AT SAPPARO... delicious Japanese, I don't even remember what I ate, Pork Noodle thing... SO GOOD definitely Cleaned my plate

GREAT CONVERSATION... my experience in New York, how much I love Harlem, auditioning, the break up. "Why are you visiting New York?"- travel, client, PR work, all expenses paid (including this dinner ;);) ), advertising, market, audience- ad agencies that sign on to chat rooms/twitter/facebook and promote specific products POSED AS INDIVIDUALS......creepy? YES. Smart? YES.
Made me think twice about what I say on facebook/blog/in my bathroom (jk...sort of).

One of my favorite parts: explaining my most recent dillema (that I'm sort of excited about now). I have MANY skills that make me no money at this point. So... how can I fix that? It needs to be done but it takes planning. I need to organize it all so it makes sense. It's very complicated so I'll have to post about it another time, BUT, I finally sat with someone I trust and talked about the complications and got some positive feedback. It put me in a place that helped me to feel excited about the work that I can do on it :).

We talked about family (mom's arm, Kelly's wedding/ marriage life...bla bla) then he took me to an incredible sheet music store (the name escapes me) and I had to go to get to the temple but he stayed to get guitar music (as he does for EVERY business trip he he). He comes periodically to the city- I'll be seeing him again soon I'm sure. :)

The Temple was awesome... as always. I love thinking about the gift that is being given and received because it's the next step to Godliness and who knows how long they've been waiting. :)....I feel like my recent experiences have given me an understanding of just how POWERFUL the GIFT of the Holy Ghost is and how imperitive it is to having an amazing relationship with God.

Debated going to the folk are museum....no more saying next time or I won't do things!!! NO MORE. (it was probably closed but honestly just learning that about myself was worth the thought and extending resolution).

Home... cooking for tomorrow.

Bread for the neighbors (and to test the bread maker- last time we could all smell burning... :S). Rice, pack the lunch. Talk to Ingrid about rearranging the apartment (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE)- we're planning for sunday to play around with it :)

Stayed up (too late!) blogging...

and impulsively cutting my hair...





:):S

Harlem Bell Tower

I was walking home from church today in good 'ol Harlem (I LOVE IT!!!!!!) and there was a bell tower in a nearby church that was playing hymns, and not just one, or chiming the time, but playing full arrangements of hymns. And as I got closer to that church in might walk there was a point where I noticed all of the cluttery noise of the city dimmed out, and people were quiet, and cars were distant and the music was so beautiful. I noticed how each bell has a dissonant overtone, which brings to mind all the dissonance in happy times that makes life truly gorgeous.

I listened to the hymns and was reminded of a talk I was reading recently by Elder Packer about music in the church and how sometimes trained and tenured musicians who are members get bored of the repetition of the same hymns all the time and they would like to see new modern works performed in sacrament meetings (a discussion meant for another post at another time). What struck me from the talk in this particular instance was that I found myself wishing that I'd had the repetition of the hymns being played by this amazing bell tower so I could enjoy the music, not just for it's sound waves, but also for the meaning that comes with the lyrics to an inspired hymn.

I'm so grateful for music in my life and the beauty and peace and Spirit of the Lord that hymns bring to my soul. I have a friend who knows very little about our doctrine, and from the few conversations we've had about our beliefs often is confused by how things tie together, simply because he hasn't learned all the things in between and how the specific and different things we do relate directly to the Savior. BUT when he hears the Mormon Tabernacle Choir I know (even if he does not recognize it yet) that he feels the spirit.

Music is so important to me in my life and I'm so grateful for it. I hope I can use the incredible talents and gifts that the Lord has blessed me with to further His work and do His will. As I walked home today I couldn't stop smiling, because I know the Lord sent me that tender mercy of the Harlem bells :)

The bells of harlem chapel, a tree full of loud sparrows, all the music of harlem. :)

Today...

Today was full of beautiful things. I got up, earlier than my body wanted, and gathered up my two large bags of laundry (somehow this chore escapes my attention. It's not that I don't like doing it, it's really easy, I just tend to put it off because of the bag lugging, which is sill because the longer you wait the more you lug). Down around the corner we have a laundramat. $2.50 wash, 25 cents every 7 minutes to dry-generally $2.00.
Then I jumped on the subway (still wan to call it the T like boston), and rode off to work (yay Ruby's!)
Here's a picture of my job in times square. This is a google pic, so there's a target ad above our door now, but you get the idea



Worked at Ruby's ALL DAY - made lots of monies
I'm still poor. :) It's part of the beauty

Then I went straight to the RS Broadcast. And on my way there I was noticing people on the train. I've been thinking a lot lately about beauty and what it means and what makes someone beautiful. And I was noticing people on the train and everyone was so beautiful! Every shape and size and smell (except the ones that STANK!... jk jk). Then after the broadcast I was looking around still at all the women/girls at the meeting and every single one had so much light in her eyes and we were all dressed nicely, but modestly (meaning not extravagantly). And I really couldn't look at anyone and think they were anything other than totally gorgeous. It was a nice feeling. I felt like I loved them all. :) I like that

The broadcast was so good too. I loved all the speakers. I was reading my notes later on the subway, and people were asking me about it. It helped me realize too that I need own my own choices...meaning, I do things to make other people happy, so sometimes I neglect myself. Anyway, it was interesting to have people ask and then see their reaction when I said I was reading my notes from a church meeting I'd just come from. One guy "wanted to know more" but only wanted to talk about it over coffee, not with the missionaries or at church, or even look it up online....wa wa... "I'm flattered sir but I don't meet up for coffee with random drunk men I met on the subway." I may sill call him but I'll probably take a "boyfriend" just in case.

All in all, a great day :). Glad to be alive !

Break through

today I made a breakthrough and though it may seem small it's a big deal to me and I want to write it down to look back upon and gain strength from.

I was upset.

I went to the kitchen (bad idea #1)

I climbed on the counter to open the "shared" cabinet.

I pulled out a very cute jar with all the dry ingredients to a batch of cookies.

I lit the oven.

I added the moist ingredients and mixed, adding salt and oatmeal.

Then I started eating (gross)

10 bites or so went by...

"this is my right as an upset woman!"

"I'm seriously going to regret this in dance class"

"I can have as much as I WANT!"

"That was sort of prideful"

"How would the Lord feel about this?"

...

...

chomp....

hm....

chomp........."this is disgusting"

"I know what I have to do"

I grabbed the 409

I sprayed the lump of evil disguised as deliciousness.

Then I spit on it,

Threw it in the trash,

and took the trash out to the street.





:)






I win.




.....I also threw out the rest of the sugar in the kitchen


... sorry roomies




...love you.

Scheduling...

So sometimes I get a little crazy with my schedule and I create a picture perfect ideal layout of ways that I can do absolutely everything possible in one day.It looks sort of like this:



Which is pretty do-able actually but the big "wa- wa" is that I make the schedule and then...don't look at it ever again :) he he. SO since I'm home sick today I'm going to check out some articles on ways to schedule things and I've already found some awesomeness online.

This one is my favorite so far. I think step 6 is the one that gets me. I leave personal time open and then I don't know what to do with it because I don't DECIDE what I'm going to do. I'd like to make a 'to do in New York' list and focus on that but...all in good time. I don't have to do that today.

This one's pretty awesome too. In most of these there are just a couple steps that I completely ignore that lead to my down fall. In this particular article it's step five- "Take charge and control of your schedule. Learn to be flexible. Your personal schedule is not the Ten Commandments. You should regard it as a tool that helps make your time more productive and efficient and your life more enjoyable."

Read more: How to Make a Personal Schedule | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_6049395_make-personal-schedule.html#ixzz0yZQ59c6N

There's this other one that is pretty intense but I can't copy and paste the link because it immediately downloads, BUT I like it in a lot of ways. It does a step by step of how to the most important things first and then so on and so forth.

I've noticed I get really stressed out when I realize that I won't be able to do everything that I want to do. For example, I'm taking a road trip with Tim to Indiana next week and I'm WAY excited (we still have to figure out some MAJOR details like...where we're gonna sleep) but when I think about all the planning and packing and then routine things I like to do like workout, scriptures, practicing etc. I get stressed. (5 breaths Val, you got this. It's just life, and dangit it's fun).

I also don't do well in a lifestyle that has NO consistency whatsoever- which is pretty much what defines my life right now. Sometimes life is just one big curve ball...wow.

from Chase...

I have a friend, his name's Chase. He's an amazing person who writes an amazing blog (it may be private so sorry if you can't access it). I was just reading his birthday post about his goals for the year. It always amazes me how attentive to detail he is. But it also made me think about goals and what they mean and something really big I've been struggling with for the last year or more.

I have a very firm testimony of the power of goals, as a source of motivation to accomplish the things in your life you most want to accomplish. I've seen goals completely change who I am and brought me closer to the woman I want to be. So why the frustration? For the last year or so, I've struggled to find focus and commitment in any goal. I'll decide that I want something and I'll truly WANT to have the patience and the commitment to live it out but somehow, in the process, I miss a day or "just this once" or something, and my obsession with perfection ruins the goal and I feel that I need to start all over. If I've messed it up this badly I should just wait until the next window of opportunity (say a Monday or the First of the Month) and decide it's ok to live in the old habit until I get a "fresh start". But that never yields progress, just an endless cycle of building, not the new desired habit, but the old comfortable one.

It seems like there was a time when I could change my behavior cold turkey, no exceptions. But maybe that 'seeming' isn't true. Maybe it always took me a while but I've selectively remembered only the happiness that came from the newly established habit, rather than the process that made the behavior habitual.

The other part that I know causes me problems, is that I have compartmentalized my life, quite well in fact: Theater, Music, Dance, Church, Work etc. And having gained such a great testimony of the power of goals, I naturally think 'wouldn't it be great if I could set a daily, weekly, and monthly goal in each compartment!? I'd grow so quickly and have purpose in everything I do.' There are a few problems with that 1- It's not realistic, there are too many goals to keep track of and 2- If I'm struggling with the focus and commitment I mentioned earlier, in that many areas, that's some MAJOR FAILURE I'm setting myself up for.

So for the last while I've been avoiding goals. Because it's a mess. Often when I sit down to try to set some goal I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of failure, and don't trust myself to choose something realistic. It's frustrating. But I DO want to start setting some goals. Goals to change my diet and exercise (always a rough one for us all), my social interaction ( I DON'T get out enough), my spending habits, my scripture study consistency, I'd like to read more, to cook more, get a bike, go on road trips, do FUN THINGS, TRAVEL! There are a million things that I want to do and change, but I don't know where to start.

I'm so inspired by people's stories, and I do recognize the amazing opportunities and blessings that I have in my life right now... but I'm wondering if anyone has thoughts on this particular matter, or if you've struggled with this sort of thing before, I could really use some thoughts and guidance.

But even just writing this out has helped me see what the problem is...first step to finding a solution :).

Ellen and her MISSION CALL! / being sick :S wa wa

Hey everyone, sorry it's been so long since I've written anything. Blogging really falls off my radar, especially when I'm trying to do everything at once. I have a tendency to do that.

I've been sick the last couple of days. Being sick is so consuming. I think the best part about it though has been seeing who jumps in and wants to be there for you. My trainer at work was so nice about giving me the days off. Tim has been especially accommodating of my moody-ness and needy-ness. Of course my family has been really loving too, helping me feel better when I call them about how "sad" my life has suddenly become (thanks Em for helping me count my blessings :) LOVE YOU!!). And I have to say my roommates were SO Christ-like and amazing. First Ingrid spent an hour and half scouring the internet for every get-better-remedy there was, Julie immediately ran to the store to find the ingredients for said remedies, Kristi gave me lovely hugs, Courtney keeps checking in and Erin (as always) just helped me to laugh and be ok. I am so loved, it's amazing!

O and in other news....

ELL GOT HER MISSION CALL!!!!!
She's going to ARGENTINA!!!!

We all got to watch her open her call on Wednesday night :). She'll be such an amazing missionary! I'm so excited for her to serve the Lord. Just after she opened her call, I watched everyone giving her hugs and congratulating her, and I just wished I could be there to hug her myself. To tell her how much I look up to her amazing and brave choice to leave her worldly ambitions behind to just do the exhausting and difficult work that the Lord would have her do.

I really am so proud of her. That's not an easy decision to make. I know whenever I've thought about making that choice for myself I get concerned about the things I'm doing with my career and school and money and all those temporal things that you worry about. But honestly, I know that the Lord takes care of his missionaries. The Savior even said ( I was going to paraphrase but this scripture in its entirety is great):

Matt. 6-
25- Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; not yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat ad the body more than raiment?
26- Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
27-Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit to his stature?
28- And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not niether do they spin:
29-And Yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30-Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31-Therefore take no thought, saying , What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed
32- (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33- But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.


There are a lot of AMAZING things in this scripture (and I apologize for any typos that I may have missed). But what stands out to me today is that when you put God first, He takes care of you. And though that doesn't mean you'll always be in a mansion with five full baths and a master bedroom on the first floor....you WILL have the things that you need. And you WILL have enough to enjoy life. So much of happiness is choice based.

Anyway,
Proud of the sis. Look up to her a lot. Go get 'em Sister Larsen. They're waiting and prepared for YOU to bring the GOOD NEWS- Christ has called a Prophet to the earth :). yay!

You know you've been living in a city too long when you start thinking, ' I could have made that' as a pedestrian

Time to Get Serious

ok

For the last year I have wanted to lose weight, and give up sugar for good. And for the last year I have really struggled to do so.
So
As a rather desperate attempt at proving to myself that I can live at the level of health I have always wanted to live at, I'm going to commit to a public journal of my health and fitness plan. I'm in drafting stages right now but I want it to be something everyone can read so I'm accountable to the world.

So...expect and encourage me to present a plan by Sunday evening. Thanks :) love you all!
-Val

John williams makes me fly

Today I could have killed a spider... but I didn't. He's happy outside :)

It just occurred to me that one of the main points of life is to be happy. If you're not, change something

What I'm Missing Video!

Sometimes I get impressed with how east people walk, and I try to keep up, then it's awkward cuz they think i'm stalking them. . . And I guess I kind of am

I put way too much baking soda in those pancakes. More jan please!

Don't choose your pancake til you've cooked all the batter.

I have to say, checking in with heavenly father on a super regular basis makes me reflexively happy. I can't control it. :)

Things I love: my newest friends mark and gail. I really hit it off with this couple, and secretly want them to adopt me. Love you guys!

Health = physical happiness

I've been thinking in the last couple days about happiness and our bodies. And I came accross this article in the New York Times.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/01/in-obesity-epidemic-whats-one-cookie/?ex=1283144400&en=943eb4260d1cb839&ei=5087&WT.mc_id=HL-D-I-NYT-MOD-MOD-M139-ROS-0310-HDR&WT.mc_ev=click

It's about childhood obesity theories and how little changes in our lifestyle could affect weight loss or weight gain, but ultimately big weight changes require big life changes due to the compensatory abilities that our bodies have.

Read the article it's short and good. But my main observation about it is that what I've noticed for myself is that when I focus on the adjustment of a habit rather than the out come of that adjustment, and the choice to change is motivated by a desire to do something that will make me happy, the adjustment is much easier, and the outcome happens naturally without me trying. For example if I focus on "get skinny get skinny get skinny" I'm not going to- I'll just be thinking about how fat I am and get depressed and have "the last cookie" before I "really kick it into gear and eat better"- except that last cookie starts calling out everyday until a week's gone by and I've had a sugar headache every night when I go to bed because I hate my body.

BUT if I focus on choosing to excercise and eat well because it makes me feel good and whole and I'm able to expend my energy and not feel guilty all the time, but feel balanced and well and RESTED...that weight is gone before you know it and I'm in a state of mind and health where I can emjoy it, and not resent all the good food I've been missing.

Being "healthy" is really just an adjective for having physical happiness. I like that. That's my new attitude about THAT. If you read this and see me on a regular basis, try to remind me of that :)

Spiritual thought for the day...

I was studying my scriptures today and came accross Rev. 21:4 - it's about the Second Coming of Christ and the words are so beautiful:

4- God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Isn't that gorgeous?? I read it over a few times and started thinking about all the people I know who are so happy, through the gospel. They're clean and pure and joyous, and when things go wrong they're not embittered. They have hope for something better in the future and that hope makes things BETTER for the PRESENT. So my goal is to be more focused on the Savior and less focused on my career/work/romance/friends/auditions/ blah blah blah. Because all of those things have NO POINT. If I'm not able to enjoy them. And I KNOW I can enjoy them if I make Christ a PART of them. Because He is the epitome of LOVE, and UNDERSTANDING, and PEACE, and INTEGRITY, and HONESTY....and a million other traits that can be categorized as "good" BECAUSE THEY BRING LASTING JOY (not temporal happiness) TO THOSE WHO APPLY THEM


FOCUS ON FINDING HAPPINESS NOW. BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T FIND IT NOW YOUR PAST WILL BE FILLED WITH NONE BUT SAD MEMORIES, AND YOU WILL BE OUT OF PRACTICE FOR THE FUTURE.

Peace out homies. Love you!

there's a point in each person's life where she recognizes the power of her desires and her choices.begin the journey from what you are, to what you want to be

So I'm standing in harvard square and a man jogs by in running attire. . . And bare feet. It's also raining. my hero. Let's try harder to get back to nature K?

Boston is beautiful today!

there are some songs that are really good. . . And then you actually listen to the words. . and it's even better

You know, preparation is like a poncho: If you have it, rain is actually really fun

The days are getting longer :) today during sunday school the sun was setting when it's usually down already :) Yay sunshine!

You can't make someone like you. And it's a mistake to try

Things i love: mustard, honey, honey mustard

LDS FILM FESTIVAL!!

Hey folks! For all of you who are going to be in Utah on the 23rd of January head out to the LDS Film Festival.

Our Short Film is in the competition and it would awesome to have people out there cheering it on. I also won't be able to make it because I'll be in Boston :(- so GO IN MY STEAD! You may see my parents there :).

Thanks for being there for me always! Love you all!!

Today I transferred all my money out of my utah account. That's one more piece of the Umbillical. . . :( :) :s

Newest cut of the vid...

New edit from kristal on Vimeo.