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Do you ever have those nights where you had a great day and then you get home and there's no one there so you sit around being sort of depressed? This is probably a terrible way to start this post because I actually had, in fact, a wonderful day.

I woke up sort of late and went to institute at Lincoln Center. I love that area because the streets are really large making maximum sunlight a possibility, and then Lincoln Center has a big open area in front of it that is absolutely beautiful. Institute was nice. There are lots of moms that come to that one and bring their little babies and they always say "sorry she wrote on you...sorry she was noisy... sorry she ripped a page out of your journal..." but honestly I don't even care. I am so baby happy right now, I just loved having them do all those things to me. They could have eaten my sweater and I would have giggled. We had twin girls in there today. They were so great. I feel like calling kids cute isn't accurate. I find them to be more along the lines of fascinating. They're like little animals that run around and have no inhibitions at all.

So that was great

Then I didn't have anything I had to be to until three (I kept telling myself I should workout in the time- something I have mixed feelings about right now, or do laundry- that I hate doing. I don't like using the word hate but I have a really hard time getting this one to happen...it's and hour and a half of nothing at a laundramat= not my favorite, especially since I've been having some trouble finding a book that I really like that's not a self help guru book- suggestions please??). So I went in Barnes and Noble and I instantly felt much better about life. I just love the way it feels in there. I bought an s.h.g. book called 'A New Earth' be Eckhart Tolle. Supposed to be AMAZING (it's on Opera's book club list) and my friend Matt has been suggesting it to me. Then I wandered around the store for a while. That was nice.

Then I took the train home, and did something in my room....not clean it THAT'S for sure. I took a really long shower....so nice. I needed it. Then went to babysit. This was the best. I had so much fun with these kids. At first Delia was sort of trying to show off and being pouty- she's about in first grade, and I think sometimes at that age, little girls will be dramatic for new people because they somehow think it will be fun. It's not fun but I remember being like that a little bit (sometimes I still do it, what can I say, humans are weird). But then we went to the park for a little bit before Delia had class. We didn't get to play for very long but it's cool. Then we went back to the school for a class she's taking with her mom. So after dropping her off Benny and I went to play at the park some more.

I had all kinds of thoughts about what kind of mom I want to be. I was playing with the kids on the playground, and though I'm sure there will be many days when I'm a mom that I will be too tired or too pre-occupied to do that, I HOPE I will be active and play with them at lease most if not ALL the time. I played with Benny and when I'd first met him earlier his mom had said he was shy. So I told him we should try to make friends (which was a slightly selfish thought because I wanted him to have someone to play with so I could sit and read the book I'd gotten earlier- o how I contradict myself). So we walked around saying "Hi I'm Ben what's your name?" and then offering our hands for a high five. This went over pretty well, aside from the fact that he didn't really like to say any of that, just put his hand out. But for someone who's "shy" I think that was pretty darn amazing so I told him I thought so.

After attempting to become friends with all the other kids on the play ground I stood and watched Benny go down the twirly bars about a thousand times. And you know what I really really liked it. I had a great time. We talked a lot about random things I don't even remember what. But I love hanging out with kids because you always have something to offer, and something to give because there's just SO MUCH in the world that they don't know yet. And of course there's a lot in the world that adults don't know, but they still know a lot more than a 3 year old.

Then we went to pick up Delia from her class. She had some homework to do so I got to help her. It was great. I really enjoyed it. She was really good then too. No pouting, no being obstinate. She did her homework and I helped her. Then we played a game. And Benny wanted to play so we were on a team :) and he sat on my lap. Then when their mom came Delia invited me to dinner with them. We went to a corner pizza place and grabbed a slice. It's amazing how little kids hold on to details. Before actually going, Delia described this pizza place to me and what I was picturing was chucky-cheese in Cinderella's palace. She said there was a guy there who did magic and that they always went when their mom had class. And there WAS a guy there who did an invisible ball trick with a paper bag, but other than that it was just a corner pizza place. It just goes to show that life's what you make it (thank you Miley Cyrus).

Then I walked home through Central park...and it was beautiful. The air smells like fall now, and I walked through the Soccer fields and looked at the moon and the sky and I felt for a minute like I was back at Viewmont, in the field just watching the sky disappear. It was such a big open space. I loved it. And it's funny, sometimes I have those moments and I feel so close to God, like He's right there. And sometimes it feels like it's just beautiful all by itself.

Then I got to stop by the Chess tables and play a game. I lost again, but it took longer than the last time, and the guy I played said I was good for starting in August :). Then I ran home (partly because there was this guy who I guiltily gave my number to the other day that I am NOT INTERESTED IN AT ALL---- why??? Why do I do that to myself?????----who was walking up. It's really annoying cuz he lives in my neighborhood so I might have to avoid him for a little while before he gets it...:S I hope not). And then as soon as I got inside I knew things were going to be bad because no one was home and I was really hoping that people would be. I get sad when there's no one home. It's not so much that I always want to hang out and be with people, but I don't like being in a house by myself. I just don't. It feels weird and I can't function very well. I don't know why...

So then I was sad for a little while and started reading blogs...I miss utah. Argh...no more grass is greener crap. I want to LOVE my life and be happy... well...

I did make a decision I'm excited about. For my birthday I'm going to have a dinner and cook for people I love. I want to make my Aunt's special pumpkin soup and some carrot cake :) Doesn't that sound awesome!
Well I'm going to go read some scriptures and pray and stuff. I know that's what I need to do and this is just a form of putting it off right now...bye!

Allow

I feel hard, inside
Scabbed and mean
I don't like the person I must be right now
I am impatient for my potential!!!

In every healing process,
there is a wall, a defense.
blood gathers at the vulnerable area
makes contact with outside elements,
the humidity, the softness leaves,
pulled out by the surrounding air,
And what's left is a wall
temporary
necessary
to protect the tender vulnerability beneath.
To destroy the wall only prolongs the process
and increases likelihood of scarring
you must not touch it
let it do its job

We talk so much of breaking walls,
So our hearts can be open to the ones we love.
but did you know a heart
between each beat that sends that vital fluid to each practical functioning organ,
it takes one beat for itself

A tree,
in times of turbulence
slows its growth
focusing on what is essential

the desire to be whole
is fulfilled in the living water
the flowing blood
the broken flesh

He is my wall
my only defense
in times of weakness I think to pick with an ax
to destroy the wall
to reach the past

the past is gone- I would be disappointed
He knows the outside better than I:
the vulnerable and tender center

And when I am ready
my wall will fall
no force required
just as a tree shedding bark
or a scab at the right moment
or a loose tooth when it's ready
or a baby breaking water
or a heart after a self sustaining beat

Consider the Lilies,
They toil not,
Neither do they spin



And neither shall I