Break through

today I made a breakthrough and though it may seem small it's a big deal to me and I want to write it down to look back upon and gain strength from.

I was upset.

I went to the kitchen (bad idea #1)

I climbed on the counter to open the "shared" cabinet.

I pulled out a very cute jar with all the dry ingredients to a batch of cookies.

I lit the oven.

I added the moist ingredients and mixed, adding salt and oatmeal.

Then I started eating (gross)

10 bites or so went by...

"this is my right as an upset woman!"

"I'm seriously going to regret this in dance class"

"I can have as much as I WANT!"

"That was sort of prideful"

"How would the Lord feel about this?"

...

...

chomp....

hm....

chomp........."this is disgusting"

"I know what I have to do"

I grabbed the 409

I sprayed the lump of evil disguised as deliciousness.

Then I spit on it,

Threw it in the trash,

and took the trash out to the street.





:)






I win.




.....I also threw out the rest of the sugar in the kitchen


... sorry roomies




...love you.

from Chase...

I have a friend, his name's Chase. He's an amazing person who writes an amazing blog (it may be private so sorry if you can't access it). I was just reading his birthday post about his goals for the year. It always amazes me how attentive to detail he is. But it also made me think about goals and what they mean and something really big I've been struggling with for the last year or more.

I have a very firm testimony of the power of goals, as a source of motivation to accomplish the things in your life you most want to accomplish. I've seen goals completely change who I am and brought me closer to the woman I want to be. So why the frustration? For the last year or so, I've struggled to find focus and commitment in any goal. I'll decide that I want something and I'll truly WANT to have the patience and the commitment to live it out but somehow, in the process, I miss a day or "just this once" or something, and my obsession with perfection ruins the goal and I feel that I need to start all over. If I've messed it up this badly I should just wait until the next window of opportunity (say a Monday or the First of the Month) and decide it's ok to live in the old habit until I get a "fresh start". But that never yields progress, just an endless cycle of building, not the new desired habit, but the old comfortable one.

It seems like there was a time when I could change my behavior cold turkey, no exceptions. But maybe that 'seeming' isn't true. Maybe it always took me a while but I've selectively remembered only the happiness that came from the newly established habit, rather than the process that made the behavior habitual.

The other part that I know causes me problems, is that I have compartmentalized my life, quite well in fact: Theater, Music, Dance, Church, Work etc. And having gained such a great testimony of the power of goals, I naturally think 'wouldn't it be great if I could set a daily, weekly, and monthly goal in each compartment!? I'd grow so quickly and have purpose in everything I do.' There are a few problems with that 1- It's not realistic, there are too many goals to keep track of and 2- If I'm struggling with the focus and commitment I mentioned earlier, in that many areas, that's some MAJOR FAILURE I'm setting myself up for.

So for the last while I've been avoiding goals. Because it's a mess. Often when I sit down to try to set some goal I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of failure, and don't trust myself to choose something realistic. It's frustrating. But I DO want to start setting some goals. Goals to change my diet and exercise (always a rough one for us all), my social interaction ( I DON'T get out enough), my spending habits, my scripture study consistency, I'd like to read more, to cook more, get a bike, go on road trips, do FUN THINGS, TRAVEL! There are a million things that I want to do and change, but I don't know where to start.

I'm so inspired by people's stories, and I do recognize the amazing opportunities and blessings that I have in my life right now... but I'm wondering if anyone has thoughts on this particular matter, or if you've struggled with this sort of thing before, I could really use some thoughts and guidance.

But even just writing this out has helped me see what the problem is...first step to finding a solution :).

Health = physical happiness

I've been thinking in the last couple days about happiness and our bodies. And I came accross this article in the New York Times.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/01/in-obesity-epidemic-whats-one-cookie/?ex=1283144400&en=943eb4260d1cb839&ei=5087&WT.mc_id=HL-D-I-NYT-MOD-MOD-M139-ROS-0310-HDR&WT.mc_ev=click

It's about childhood obesity theories and how little changes in our lifestyle could affect weight loss or weight gain, but ultimately big weight changes require big life changes due to the compensatory abilities that our bodies have.

Read the article it's short and good. But my main observation about it is that what I've noticed for myself is that when I focus on the adjustment of a habit rather than the out come of that adjustment, and the choice to change is motivated by a desire to do something that will make me happy, the adjustment is much easier, and the outcome happens naturally without me trying. For example if I focus on "get skinny get skinny get skinny" I'm not going to- I'll just be thinking about how fat I am and get depressed and have "the last cookie" before I "really kick it into gear and eat better"- except that last cookie starts calling out everyday until a week's gone by and I've had a sugar headache every night when I go to bed because I hate my body.

BUT if I focus on choosing to excercise and eat well because it makes me feel good and whole and I'm able to expend my energy and not feel guilty all the time, but feel balanced and well and RESTED...that weight is gone before you know it and I'm in a state of mind and health where I can emjoy it, and not resent all the good food I've been missing.

Being "healthy" is really just an adjective for having physical happiness. I like that. That's my new attitude about THAT. If you read this and see me on a regular basis, try to remind me of that :)

Horoscopes anyone...??

I'm working on something for class and I wonder if you could, not with any prior preparation, write a completely colloquial response to this question: How do zodiak signs and horoscopes affect us in our lives? What is your personal view and emot...ional response to the use of horoscopes to make decisions. it can be any length. You can say anything you want!!

loves this website..

So I kind of like this new website- if you're wondering about the variety of Raw food this website will BLOW YOUR MIND!!!

http://www.rawfoodcrafting.com/

Checks it outs!!

Thoughts anyone? Be honest...

I get a daily email about parenting- because I like kids and knowing how to treat them I guess haha. But this is the one I got for today and I'm wondering what everyone honestly thinks. So give me your RESPONSES!

: Radical Honesty ::

Hiding the truth (from yourself and/or others) is a
constant energy drain. To free yourself from the
burden of secrets and lies, you must cultivate the
skill of radical honesty: willingness to reveal any
truth, no matter how "unacceptable" it is.

Withholding truth is such an integral part of our
culture that you probably don't notice when you're
doing it. So, for today, pay close attention to your
thoughts and expressions, and continually ask
yourself, "Am I being as honest as I could be
about that? Is there a deeper truth?"

Examples of "acceptable" dishonesty include saying
you're "fine" when you're not, and *not* saying how
you feel about the way your friend treats her child.

When you spot a white lie or withheld truth, notice
how it feels in your body -- the energy and effort
required to distort or ignore your true feelings.

Then imagine being radically honest -- telling it
exactly like it is. If you could be that honest *and*
keep your heart open, would you?

http://dailygroove.net/radical-honesty

not vegan, not vegetarian, NOT RAW...

So I've recently been trying out several different diets as you can see by the post title, and I've officially decided today that I do not want to be vegan, I do not want to be vegetarian, and I do not want to be Raw. I think all of these diets are good things for the right people, and I support animal rights, but my gassy stomach says "this is unbalanced- you need balance". So without blaming vegan, vegetarian or rawness for my unbalance I fondly bid all of them farewell (for now). Maybe later my body will like them better.

I'm going shopping right NOW.

and I"m getting some cooked bread, real cheese, some tuna, and a cake mix. Ta ta!

Organized religion and Spirituality

Today on the train, after a long AMAZING picnic at a Professor's house, some classmates and I started talking a little bit about spirituality and the cons of organized religion. I had to get off before the conversation had finished :( and I wanted to put a couple of thoughts out there to the world about the God that I have come to know and love, both in my individual pursuits in spiritual progression, and also in my understanding of the pros and cons of organized religion, and how the two coincide and benefit each other. In expressing these ideas, beliefs and opinions it is not my intention to disregard anyone else's thoughts or opinions, but merely to clarify my own.

First, spirituality. I don't know what the word means in terms of the conversation I mentioned earlier- I think it means a lot of things to a lot of people. For this note I've interpreted it to mean having a living relationship with something or someone greater than yourself, and continually striving to strengthen that relationship and become ONE with that greater thing. In my case that means building a strong, living relationship with God, my literal Heavenly Father, and by striving to become more like Him become one with Him.

Second, Organized religion. There are many arguments that come against organized religion. I don't want to discount any of them or argue them- I'll never "win" nor is that my objective. In fact I have some problems with organized religion myself. So how is it that I devoutly attend church each week, pay a tithe (10% of my earnings), teach sunday school, go to scripture study classes etc etc etc? I'll tell you some reasons:

1- I know for myself through hours of study and prayer and a spiritual witness from the Holy Ghost in my mind and heart that God is my Heavenly Father, and that He sent His Son to suffer every pain and affliction I feel, give me peace and help whenever I ask for it (anytime, everytime), and to enable me to return to live with my Father someday. I don't obey God out of fear, I obey Him out of love for Him and a sincere desire to live with Him again.

2-I know for myself...that Christ's teachings are truth, and that they bring happiness, and He ORGANIZED a group of twelve men to teach of His Father and to come unto Christ that they may be brought unto the eternal well of LOVE that He can offer.

3- I know for myself... that that organization was lost for hundreds of years- the fundamentals were shifted, re-organized a million different ways by men, so that they became a thing of men and no longer of God. But I also know that when the world was ready a loving Heavenly Father restored that organization to a Prophet, Joseph Smith, in the early 1800s, and through instruction from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ organized the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The principles of the organization are perfect, though the men and women striving to uphold those principles are far from perfect.

My connection between spirituality and organized religion thus follows: because every spiritual truth I have gained testifies of a God who loves me infinitely, I am fully convicted in doing what He asks of me. Organized religion in my life has brought me greater opportunities to be taught of Him, and take those teachings to my knees and find out...for myself...if what I have been taught is truth. I am taught through a prophet, through scripture, through sunday school teachers, through discussions with close friends. I am also taught by professors, classmates, textbooks, THEATER, my family, good books, and countless other things. What COUNTS is that I don't have to take anyone else's word for it. I can ask God, and if I have faith that He'll answer, He will. Everything I question comes from everything. Everything I know, without doubt, has been confirmed by God.

In closing, I'd say that spirituality comes first, and organized religion serves to increase and magnify it. If you are converted to a culture, you will not be fulfilled. If you are converted to true principles, you will be led to fulfillment. I testify to all of you seeking that as you continue seek with a firm faith that you will find truth, you WILL FIND IT. I testify that God loves you no matter what. There is NOTHING you could EVER DO that would stop Him from trying to be a part of your life. He will never force His way in, He respects your choices, but He's always waiting at the door if you want to let Him in.

Thanks for reading the whole thing. I love listening and talking any ideas on religion or spirituality or atheism or whatever. I'd love to hear anyone else's personal experience, good or bad. Share your thoughts! Love you all!!

-Val

Keep it up!

SO I took some pictures of my laptop a while ago, with every intention blogging this story.

When I got back to school after Christmas break, I was on my way out of a slump that I'd been going through the semester before. Not just any slump- a really tuffy. Anyway, one day I was feeling particularly discouraged and I was on my computer and I shut it really quickly to go do some other things. And when I shut it I looked down at the colored stickers on the back



The stickers were put there by my niece, Sarah, while I was home for Christmas (She's inappropriately cute)




As I looked at the stickers I got so happy! One in particular stuck out to me




I felt so loved and all the things I was worrying about seemed so stupid and petty. I'm so grateful for family. I'm going to miss them this summer :(. But they are always in my heart. And I know that Heavenly Father sends us children to remind us what is important, and that He loves us and wants us to Keep Doing Our Best, and to enjoy every minute of life. Everything is going to work out- because He's in charge. Sigh* what a relief.

beautiful poem I found :)

I was going through an old journal of mine and I found this awesome poem I wrote this summer. It's a gem about waiting for the sweetest dream you've ever had and the joy and pain of waiting for that dream. Hope you enjoy!

Come Sweet Dream-

Come sweet Dream,
I wait I grow,
For you sweet Dream.
The seasons flow and time is slow
To bring me close to you
To life,
To love,
And so I wait in pregnant patience.
Come sweet dream

Arrive flowing stream.
Arrive! Arrive!!
At what?
To what end do you run?
At every finish you have begun.
You have all the time you will ever need
To learn to wait.
Patience little stream

Wait,
Wait my friend.
I’m not ready for the slow ascend
To dependence on two instead of one.
The climb is potential fall.
After all,
A vantage so small would not extend
Beyond its immediate fate.
Wait. Wait.

Come sweet dream.
I trust,
I know.
You come, though slow.
You come

Valerie Larsen, 7/2/08

Fast Sunday and my testimony :)

Happy Sabbath!
I love Sundays. Especially FAST SUNDAY! I love fasting for many many reasons. First, that you have a constant reminder all day of the fact that you are sacrificing something for the Lord. Second, that hunger feeling helps you to remember the specific thing that you've decided to fast for. Third, it's reminder of both those things that helps you to recognize other things in your life that you'd like to change. Fourth, it brings unity to all church members- we all have a shared experience of giving something up to the Lord together. Fifth, the fast offering not only brings you promised blessings of joy in helping others, but also brings sustenance to those in need. What a wonderful gift of service. And sixth- probably my favorite- you have the opportunity to hear and bear testimony. What a blessing to have the opportunity to profess those things nearest and dearest to each of our hearts once a month.

Being that today is fast sunday I'd like to bear my testimony to all who read this blog:

I know that God is real. That he's is my Father. That He loves me and each and every one of us perfectly. That He does not compare us to one another nor base His love for us on anything we do or say, but rather our actions determine whether or not we can FEEL that love. His arms are always always always always open to us. I know that He keeps His promises, and that when we keep our promises to Him He will bless us one hundred fold.

I know that Satan is real. That everything he ever does, says, or offers to us is a lie and will ONLY BRING US SORROW. His promises are twisted, warped versions of the real thing, "shortcuts" to nowhere. He is cunning and EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. We must be watching always and doing all we can to live in the light, that his darkness may not over take us- for darkness is only the absence of light and has no power over it.

I know that Christ lives. That His light is brighter and more powerful than any other force. Through Him, and ONLY through Him can we return to live with our Heavenly Father someday. yay!! What a glorious opportunity. I know He suffered for my sins, my pains, my heartache, my loss and that He knows them perfectly. I know that He also knows my joys, my achievements, my moments of peace (granted by Him), and my longings fulfilled. In my gamut of experience He has experienced all and beyond, that He may be a part of each MOMENT of my life, as I choose to let Him in. He knows all things and is one with the Father. He has overcome the drudgery that life can be, the day to day messes that we so often feel, the temptations to mediocrity, the specific weaknesses that you and I fight to get past- He is already past, and stands on the other side offering His hand and lifeline that you and I can overcome also, to be with Him. He is my best friend. I need to make more room for Him always.

I know that His church is restored to the earth. That through revelation given to a prophet of God we may know and follow His will. And know that through the ordinances He has given us we may be made clean and commit to His work, recieve the Holy Ghost to be our companion, recieve the blessings of God's power on earth-the priesthood, recieve the blessings of the endowment, and be sealed to our loved ones, not just for this life, but for eternity (imagine Christmas break with the people you love most in your life, having a blast- FOR ETERNITY!!! sign me up). I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God and that we can get closer to Christ by reading it than any other book.

I know all these things by the spirit. After many hours of study, fasting and prayer I gained this knowledge- not because I earned it, not because I deserved it and not because I've done anything that makes me "more righteous" than anyone else. But because Heavenly Father has enough mercy, love and grace to GIVE it to me, as a gift of the spirit, as a burning in my bosom, as pure light to my mind, as a peace and comfort in heart and all consciousness. I know that I know it, and I know that God knows of my knowledge. I am accountable to share these things, and blessed to share these things. I pray that as I open my mouth that He may fill it, and that He will use me as an instrument in the blessing, loving and of bringing joy and happiness to others.

With love and affection for you all, I bear this testimony and stand as a witness of the truthfulness of these things, in and through the Holy Name of my Savior Jesus Christ, amen.


For more information on any of the things I've talked about, email me at lavie49@hotmail.com, or visit this website for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- www.mormon.org

Love and kisses,
Have an amazing day!!

Family

I LOVE MY FAMILY A MILLION BILLION ZILLION!!!!!!

Sonnet 1

I've wanted to post this for a while but kept forgetting. But today I was reaing my scripture journal and happened upon this sonnet I wrote when I was feeling particularly pensive about a loss I'd just gone through. I won't get any more specific than that but this is what came out:

Time ticks slowly by, I wait, for what?
For all I used to seek has left me still
in deeper sand. And now the door is shut
I teeter on an open window sill.
My aim was sure and clear: a distant star
Once reached I thought, no, knew, that I had won.
And now the morning shews my goal afar
I fear to fail in blind pursuit o' the Sun.
So what? To squat an ever fixed stone?
Unmoved waiting for His higher hand?
Or with shaking knees and fire of will alone
Stagger forward, ill content to merely stand?
On, on! For though my choice be half a guess,
My Master fails me not when giv'n my best.



And there you have it kids. My first Sonnet...*sigh. Will would be proud.
Thoughts?

I'M IN LOVE....

with Richard Gere...........................................................18 years ago.













jk....he looks good with gray hair tooooooooo

words to ponder ;);)




is that inappropriate? :S

Sharon Vermont

This weekend I got to go to the birthplace of Joseph Smith. The spirit there is INCREDIBLE! This was my second year going with my ward and I'm so grateful!! I really gained such a strong part of my testimony there last year and this year it was only fortified by the STRONGEST confirmation of the spirit I have ever felt IN MY LIFE.

I KNOW Joseph Smith is a prophet, with EVERY FIBER of my being. I never knew what that meant until now, but I can say that I DO know with the ardour and truth. I wish I could share that knowledge with everyone. Being a member of this church is the most important thing I will ever do and I'm so incredibly grateful that the Lord has blessed me to know what I do. And so excited to think that there's so much more for me to learn. :) I love you all, and if you feel like you want a stronger testimony of Joseph Smith or anything that you feel is not and strong as you would like, I'm telling you from personal experience that all you have to do is ASK and be patient. He WILL let you know and strengthen you. O! I would love it if anyone would like to bear their testimony as a comment to this post! That would be really cool- feel free if you feel so inspired. I know Christ lives and loves us and we can learn and grow and become perfected in Him.

ALL MY LOVE TO YOU ALL!!

the bus....

So I ride the bus a lot. And I noticed the other day that there's a vicious thought pattern that none of us ever seem to really overcome. And that is the thought that TODAY I don't need to brace myself or hold on to anything, I can go on talking to my friend, reading my book, or struggling to get my head phone in and the sudden movement of the bus won't affect my BALANCE at ALL. This thought is a lie. And yet everyone falls for it every time. We are fools in our little world.

What do YOU fall for everytime?

(I always fall for the 'something on your shirt' trick- the one where they flip your nose....so annoying)

Instagame

You know you can make a good game out of just about anything! All you have to do is say "pass it on" and see which part of your action someone decides to continue. haha- I just thought of a really sweet social experiment..................pass it on.

A really sweet quote:

"If I don't let myself be happy now, then when? If not now, when?"

I'm not sure who said this but I like it. The more I think about life the more I see that it's either a never ending string of things you love, or a never ending string of things you don't love. How often do you hear someone say "you know, everything this year was really normal. I didn't need to adjust anything and there weren't any problems. Guess I got life figured, I'm good from here on out" ? NEVER, that's how often. And that's what I like about that quote. Changes come. Adjustments come and problems come- but you don't have to wait for them to be "over" to love life or to be happy. Just roll with it and do your best. :)

Jumpin'

My head has been buzzing lately. I have so many songs, plays, plots, notes, words shooting through my head and running out my mouth into my ipod recording piece. Instant record right there. Technology is amazing. I've been writing by hand too. I'm overflowing with...matter, substance, structure, thoughts, feelings. I don't have time to do all I want to do. I was listening to Free Fallin' before I went running, and the music was so filling that I couldn't stand still anymore. I ran faster for longer than I've ever run. There's an artist inside me that wants out. She deserves it. She's been waiting for a long time. Sitting patiently by the door, asking for a few minutes outside. A few minutes to run without timing, smell the ground the air the grass, stare into the sun and feel it's light on her skin. She's twitching for it. Why am keeping her in. What am i afraid of? She'll get dirty? She'll get rejected? The sun won't shine? Her prince won't come? Her God won't fill her mouth? Perhaps all of them. Yes. All of them. *sigh* so what then. How does that magic door open? Perhaps its just a matter of me giving my permission. My permission to fall, to get rejected, to die. Do I need to be "ready"? Or is not being ready the whole point? .......Those questions are fear. That's what they are. That's it. I'm doing it. I'm opening that door. No more excuses, I'm going to get messy. I don't know how but I'll do it. I'm going to screw up. But the atonement's there. I can't be everything I could be, until I decide to risk changing what I am. Tootle-oo coward club.
I'm jumpin.

Grandma Borrowing.

You know it's been a while I need to write here.


So today I was with my mom shopping for dress patterns and I discovered something that I absolutely love. You may be thinking it's a particular dress but you're wrong. You see, when you go to Joanns looking for patterns you sit down at this big table and look through catalogs of dresses/shirts/pants/bags or any number of item that you can make out of fabric. Each item has a brand and number that corresponds to a drawer in a nearby cabinet that holds the pattern for whatever it is you decide to make. This sounds like a simple process, however, being an artistic and complicated person the whole thing can take hours.

ANYWAY the best part about the process is nothing that I've mentioned (that was all background). You see, it's not very often that 20 year old girls get real into sewing. I mean there are a select few like myself. But there are plenty of older ladies who take "joy" in sewing for themselves and others. THIS is the thing I was talking about. Every time, without fail, tried and true, some fantastic old woman with years of sewing experience will sit down opposite me and my mother. And everytime, without fail, tried and true, she ends up asking what we're working on, and eventually going on and on about how this is her "last project" or how "bridezilla's got her hooked again" making 25 matching dresses for girls who all CLAIM to be a size zero. Always a joy, always a pleasure, always a laugh. And besides that they're usually really good at making suggestions for your project that you would absolutely NEVER do. And as soon as they see that glimmer of disapproval on your face (no matter how hard I try it always comes out a little) they wag their hand at you and say "you girls are SO PICKY." But it's cute all the same. Like borrowing someone's grandma for ten minutes :).

Have you ever gotten the "picky" wag? Come on- We've all got grandma's let's hear it.