Break through

today I made a breakthrough and though it may seem small it's a big deal to me and I want to write it down to look back upon and gain strength from.

I was upset.

I went to the kitchen (bad idea #1)

I climbed on the counter to open the "shared" cabinet.

I pulled out a very cute jar with all the dry ingredients to a batch of cookies.

I lit the oven.

I added the moist ingredients and mixed, adding salt and oatmeal.

Then I started eating (gross)

10 bites or so went by...

"this is my right as an upset woman!"

"I'm seriously going to regret this in dance class"

"I can have as much as I WANT!"

"That was sort of prideful"

"How would the Lord feel about this?"

...

...

chomp....

hm....

chomp........."this is disgusting"

"I know what I have to do"

I grabbed the 409

I sprayed the lump of evil disguised as deliciousness.

Then I spit on it,

Threw it in the trash,

and took the trash out to the street.





:)






I win.




.....I also threw out the rest of the sugar in the kitchen


... sorry roomies




...love you.

from Chase...

I have a friend, his name's Chase. He's an amazing person who writes an amazing blog (it may be private so sorry if you can't access it). I was just reading his birthday post about his goals for the year. It always amazes me how attentive to detail he is. But it also made me think about goals and what they mean and something really big I've been struggling with for the last year or more.

I have a very firm testimony of the power of goals, as a source of motivation to accomplish the things in your life you most want to accomplish. I've seen goals completely change who I am and brought me closer to the woman I want to be. So why the frustration? For the last year or so, I've struggled to find focus and commitment in any goal. I'll decide that I want something and I'll truly WANT to have the patience and the commitment to live it out but somehow, in the process, I miss a day or "just this once" or something, and my obsession with perfection ruins the goal and I feel that I need to start all over. If I've messed it up this badly I should just wait until the next window of opportunity (say a Monday or the First of the Month) and decide it's ok to live in the old habit until I get a "fresh start". But that never yields progress, just an endless cycle of building, not the new desired habit, but the old comfortable one.

It seems like there was a time when I could change my behavior cold turkey, no exceptions. But maybe that 'seeming' isn't true. Maybe it always took me a while but I've selectively remembered only the happiness that came from the newly established habit, rather than the process that made the behavior habitual.

The other part that I know causes me problems, is that I have compartmentalized my life, quite well in fact: Theater, Music, Dance, Church, Work etc. And having gained such a great testimony of the power of goals, I naturally think 'wouldn't it be great if I could set a daily, weekly, and monthly goal in each compartment!? I'd grow so quickly and have purpose in everything I do.' There are a few problems with that 1- It's not realistic, there are too many goals to keep track of and 2- If I'm struggling with the focus and commitment I mentioned earlier, in that many areas, that's some MAJOR FAILURE I'm setting myself up for.

So for the last while I've been avoiding goals. Because it's a mess. Often when I sit down to try to set some goal I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of failure, and don't trust myself to choose something realistic. It's frustrating. But I DO want to start setting some goals. Goals to change my diet and exercise (always a rough one for us all), my social interaction ( I DON'T get out enough), my spending habits, my scripture study consistency, I'd like to read more, to cook more, get a bike, go on road trips, do FUN THINGS, TRAVEL! There are a million things that I want to do and change, but I don't know where to start.

I'm so inspired by people's stories, and I do recognize the amazing opportunities and blessings that I have in my life right now... but I'm wondering if anyone has thoughts on this particular matter, or if you've struggled with this sort of thing before, I could really use some thoughts and guidance.

But even just writing this out has helped me see what the problem is...first step to finding a solution :).

In response to an embarrassing story...

Today the pricker…

Every day they poke me,
Little pricks on my knee,
My thigh,
The right one,
(My left is neglected)
prick prick Hold
prick prick Hold
prick prick Hold
every so often very tiny pricks
but mostly,
prick prick Hold
Across my belly
prick prick Hold
Up my sternum
prick prick Hold
to my forehead.
prick prick Hold- prick prick prick prick prick down the middle each day while the sun shines through my window making sliding patterns from my feet to my head,
And when the sun is gone…rest

In winter they squeak
Squprieak squprieak Hold
Squprieak squprieak Hold
One line chorus of squeaky pricks
I AM DIRTY ALWAYS
In winter.
Squprieak squprieak Hold
Squprieak squprieak Hold
I AM DIRTY ALWAYS
In winter.

Each night I am licked
Licked by two prickers
Prick prick SLIDE
Prick prick SLIDE
I AM clean for rest
The sun brings Squprieak squprieak Hold
The pricks are dirty,
I am patient.

TODAY!
prick prick Hold
prick prick Hold
all day, no different
and then….and then….and then…. and then….and then…. and then…. and then….
Prick prick Hold
Prick prick- STOP
And…
One of the prickers…
and then….
One of the prickers…
and then….
One of the prickers…
AND THEN…
One of the prickers LEAKED ON ME!!!
IT LEAKED AND DRIPPED OFF THE LEDGE
ON ME!
ON MY FACE!
ICKY WET WET WET
NOT like winter
Salty sticky wet wet WET.
I did NOT get licked
I did NOT get licked
I did NOT get licked

The LEAKY PRICKER pricked very fast to the outside pocket.
prick prick prick prick prick prick prick prick prick DOWN the Middle
And then…
The other prickers jiggled.
The other prickers jiggled.
They jiggled for a moment… and sang a strange song
and then….finally…
prick prick Hold
prick prick Hold

I did not feel the leaky pricker again.
BUT i SOAKED in it’s LEAK all DAY.
With both eyes closed.
That pricker is not welcome here.


-Valerie Larsen

The bus

I waved and screamed as he drove right by...

it was my own fault," I should have left ten minutes earlier" I grumbled as I tried to be grateful for this opportunity to grow. "I'll just walk the bus route until the next one comes" that way I'd feel like I was at least moving closer to my destination instead of sulkily getting hotter and sweatier on that 110 degree metal bench. I followed the CT2 bus stop signs like Gretl for bread crumbs, til finally the route forked and I had the similar epiphany she must have had when she and Hansel realized that bread is really attractive to the surrounding wildlife. I had lost my route

I turned "gratefully" around to head back to the last stop, and as I crossed the bridge one more time, there came the entire loaf- the CT2 crossing my bridge, and nothing I could do about it. "Luckily I have my phone! I can call Tyson and tell him I'll be late".....o right, I left it at Ryan's last night...I'm so grateful. I think I'll just sit here on the bridge and be GRATEFUL for a minute.

Needless to say I was an hour late to Tyson's house - after getting OFF at the wrong stop and having to ask a stranger to use the GPS on his phone to find walking directions (he was one of those "save the children" people=not creepy) Hahaha. I obnoxiously rang the doorbell until his roommate answered (no phone remember?) Tyson wasn't home so I played on his ginormous computer for an hour, while emailing people with iphones who could call or text Tyson to clear things up. I eventually found out he wasn't coming back home so I finished checking my email, drank some of his grape juice and left him a note ( he has since informed me I misspelled "huge nerd"- I guess he's a sucker for "hug"s now).

LONG story short: I went a long way to check my email- but I sincerely am grateful. I always pray for the bus to come so I can be on time, so this really was just someone's joking way of telling me He wants to talk more. Tyson said he will pick me up in a car tomorrow...yay. But for the record, I know EXACTLY how to get to his house now.

not vegan, not vegetarian, NOT RAW...

So I've recently been trying out several different diets as you can see by the post title, and I've officially decided today that I do not want to be vegan, I do not want to be vegetarian, and I do not want to be Raw. I think all of these diets are good things for the right people, and I support animal rights, but my gassy stomach says "this is unbalanced- you need balance". So without blaming vegan, vegetarian or rawness for my unbalance I fondly bid all of them farewell (for now). Maybe later my body will like them better.

I'm going shopping right NOW.

and I"m getting some cooked bread, real cheese, some tuna, and a cake mix. Ta ta!

Jumpin'

My head has been buzzing lately. I have so many songs, plays, plots, notes, words shooting through my head and running out my mouth into my ipod recording piece. Instant record right there. Technology is amazing. I've been writing by hand too. I'm overflowing with...matter, substance, structure, thoughts, feelings. I don't have time to do all I want to do. I was listening to Free Fallin' before I went running, and the music was so filling that I couldn't stand still anymore. I ran faster for longer than I've ever run. There's an artist inside me that wants out. She deserves it. She's been waiting for a long time. Sitting patiently by the door, asking for a few minutes outside. A few minutes to run without timing, smell the ground the air the grass, stare into the sun and feel it's light on her skin. She's twitching for it. Why am keeping her in. What am i afraid of? She'll get dirty? She'll get rejected? The sun won't shine? Her prince won't come? Her God won't fill her mouth? Perhaps all of them. Yes. All of them. *sigh* so what then. How does that magic door open? Perhaps its just a matter of me giving my permission. My permission to fall, to get rejected, to die. Do I need to be "ready"? Or is not being ready the whole point? .......Those questions are fear. That's what they are. That's it. I'm doing it. I'm opening that door. No more excuses, I'm going to get messy. I don't know how but I'll do it. I'm going to screw up. But the atonement's there. I can't be everything I could be, until I decide to risk changing what I am. Tootle-oo coward club.
I'm jumpin.

People

People are DUMB. I mean I love people and I do my best to treat em good.  But sometimes, people are just rude. Serious.  They don't think about what they say before they say it.  And they think they know everything about you before they've talked to you about ANYthing.  And you try to do all this nice stuff for them, to show them you love them, and you really DO love them- but then they'll just throw it your face and say- 'you're fake- we only like people who are dramatic and pissy.'  

Sorry, - I wasn't thinking much about that while I wrote it- but I still think it's true. . . mostly